DAY 2

So today’s assignment was simple for me.  Find something in your life that you need to get rid of and come up with a plan to do so. My thing been sitting here packed up for a little minute ready to be tossed. I will be getting rid of my mask. I’d been living life like Jim Carey in The Mask.  Most times I’d feel like Stanley Ipkiss; not accomplished, never the one to get the girl, a misfit. Bullied by the world always left to sulk alone in an apartment with just a pet but with the mask on, that persona presented to the world, is full of confidence, competence and power.

How can both those people exist in the same being? I’m not sure how but I know for a long time it was my truth. One moment I’m in position to take over the world the next the world is over taking me. On this day I choose to live in my truth. Mask off!

 Most times when I’d revert to “Ipkiss” it’s over something minor; a little rejection here, a setback or small failure there. No matter how small it truly was I would become small, weeny, and full of anxiety. Asking myself a million questions like: What did I do wrong? Do they understand me? Will they get it? Do I look right? Did I do it right? Will they like me? Am I too ___? Just because things did not go my way. All my power could be so easily deflated because the mask I put on for the world was just that, a mask.

Sometimes I’d get so caught up in that persona that I would forget who I truly was and what I stood for. So excited and taken over by the adrenaline that would accompany a “win” that I began to destroy the things that mattered. Its hard to satisfy desires of the “mask” and not lose yourself.  With the mask on my priorities became fucked up.  I’d hurt so many people including myself trying to make the “mask” happy. Now I’ve come back to myself and realize the ruins I’ve left behind.

Like Ipkiss, I’ve found all the qualities that made the “Mask” great are living inside of me, mask on and mask off. I simply wasn’t tapping into all of me because of fear and baggage. My B.S. making me think that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, educated enough, fine enough, slim enough, paid enough, dedicated enough or even (dun dun dunn) WORTH enough.  Had I just believed in myself a long time ago I wouldn’t have wasted so many years being someone else. And like Ipkiss my masked self was at times rude, abrasive, judgmental and disrespectful.

Removing the mask of the persona is scary. I mean I am a big red ball in a world that’s accustomed to putting people in boxes. I get rid of the mask is by living my truth, being authentically and unapologetically me. I understand that it may ruffle some feathers, I mean I got here people pleasing so that comes with the territory. I’ll stop overthinking and being attached to outcomes; what will be, will be. I’ll ask for help when I need it. I’ll honor the fact that vulnerability is not weakness, it takes more strength to admit not being ok than faking like it. I’ll surround myself with people that feel like love and trust myself and others enough to live in the moment. I won’t be embarrassed or ashamed of my past mistakes and failures, instead I’ll be inspired by them. It’s the Sun and the rain that cause the flowers to bloom, too much of either won’t allow growth. I’ll admit that sometimes I don’t have the answers and accept the wisdom and guidance of my loved ones. And most importantly, I will be honest with myself. The worst part of being masked are the lies you tell yourself.

Now I sit with my mask off. Being me. AND I LIKE HER!! I’m such a different woman than that masked lady. I’m genuinely happy, loving, full of joy and at peace. Mask off and free! I love it here!!

Today I will close with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Ashley DuBose “Be You”

Yes I know how it feel to be on the outside looking in
Never fitting in
They don’t understand
Why you’re not like them
But it takes a special kind of you
To see the way you do
You can search the world high and low
There will never be another you
And it’s hard I know
Cause you’ve got a heart of gold
You just want the world to know

But, It’s ok to be you

Signing off,

Ms Raqi A Healing Heart