Day 10

Today is Day 10 and my assignment is to journal about a decision I made in the last week that I’m proud of. Well, that decision is THIS! Blogging, recording my process and my progress. Since this is basically me journaling anyway, I figured the assignment should be handled here.

 What’s the difference between a journal and a diary anyway? Not much. They basically have the same exact definition with one exception, journals can be about one topic and diaries are more about the person than the topic. So today since I’m journaling vs just an entry into my diary I won’t really focus on my feeling, today lets stay on topic, my decision to do this.

When I first decided I needed to record my healing process it was almost a year ago. And boy I was in the thick of the mess. My entire world was crumbling all around me and I was determined to come out the storm healed. It was so much hurt built up and so many things I had ran from that had confronted me I knew it was time. I tried to video me, maybe to post on YouTube, but that was way too much work. After rambling for an hour, it would take damn near a day to shorten it to a twenty-minute video. It just proved itself to be too much work. However, when I started the working through my issues I thought to get me a new notebook and like I had always done, get my thoughts out. A paper and a pen is a confidant for me like no other. Writing has been an outlet for me for many years. Countless notebooks have been filled with poems, songs and tears from my heart. Now I know why I kept them.

 I felt like this 14-day challenge was the perfect time to start preparing something to share. So far it has helped me find so many pieces of me that were lost. I’ve always wanted to blog. I just was more concerned about how it would be received by others than what could be gained by its readers. See I’m not different than many other people. A lot of us struggle with loving ourselves and walk with many unhealed hearts daily. So as I’m healing I need to share it. I don’t know whose life I will change, even if it’s just my own that’s enough. However, with all the shit I’ve been through I have a story to tell.  Matter of fact to still have enough of my mind intact to even know I need to heal my heart is a testimony. I have a purpose here. That pain had purpose.

Healing is the longest and most painful part of being injured, especially when it’s your heart! Its dark, scary, painful, lonely, ugly and beautiful all at the same time. Seeing someone else make it to the other side is so inspiring. Seeing ME make it this far is inspiring to ME. This blog has shown me growth in myself already. And I will continue through this entire Marry Me March challenge (I will explain in a later post) and beyond. I have something to say, wisdom to share, hope to give someone. I’m so glad I decided to do this.

Now since this is MY diary I have to also say that I almost gave up doing this. I had a few days that I fell off, didn’t do my walk either but you wanna know what happened differently this time? I KEPT TRYING! I got right back to it! I didn’t abandon the mission because I didn’t do it perfectly and slipped up. I DIDN’T GIVE UP ON ME!! That right there is showing me how much more I have grown to love and respect me. I felt convicted about breaking my promise to myself. I didn’t excuse it, I acknowledged it made amends and got it together. I treated myself like someone I loved. I talked to me like I would talk to my loved one if they stumbled trying to reach a goal. See if my person stumbles, I’d remind them of who they are, what they are capable of and the support they have from, yeah I did that for me. I reminded myself that I’m not the queen, I’m the pharaoh. GENDER nor connection to a man doesn’t give me my place, abilities and birthrights brought me here. I told myself I was capable of doing ANYTHING I set my mind to and checked my track record for proof. Most importantly I wouldn’t give up or walk away from this journey. I’ve come too far to give up and the love I have for me will be perfected and I will be patient with myself and hold me down through thick and thin. I got my back!

Tonight I will close with some of the words from Londrelle’s “Self Love (Meditation)” from his 2016 Feminine Energy EP

We do not love ourselves because we are selfish

We love ourselves so that we will know our worth, increase our worth

And attract the same love we give ourselves

I love myself perfectly

I love myself completely

I love myself so that I may share and radiate that love in all that I do

I am a vessel of love

I am a being of love

I love myself now and eternally

Eternally Love

Signing off,

Ms. Raqi A Healing Heart