Five years ago after my son and my BCF had passed on I never could have foreseen how my life was about to change.

I moved out of the apartment we had been in for five years. Three of my four children had been created there. That’s the place they came home to after the hospital. Our neighborhood was a real community. Loved ones that looked out for each other by sharing resources, time and care for one another.

I hated leaving but my child died in that house. It was time to move on.

I had a life threatening event that changed my entire outlook on life.

I begin to pray and manifest the life I used to dream of.

I had stopped dreaming and instead I was replaying the same week over and over again. I thought of what I wanted out of life. How I wanted to impact those around me. What did I want people to say about me if I died.

I wrote out my obituary and I prepared my eulogy and began to live with that end goal, to live up to her.

My eulogy would come from Proverbs 31:10-31. It’s a familiar passage of scripture to most but for me it’s the blueprint. She rises early, is prepared, great at communicating and handles business well. She stays fly and knows how to budget her kids even know she is blessed and a blessing. Her partner is a man of honor, a leader in the community. She is diligent and faithful skillful and at the center of all that she does is love. Love of self, love of the Most High and love of others.

In order to bring that into my reality some shit had to change.

First off getting up, whew, I BE TIIIIRRREEEDDD!!! I didn’t want to get up early, I was a snooze button connoisseur. I woke up at the last minute and was always running behind. Tragedy fixed that. Cameron’s passing left a lingering “what if” that wakes me up on time now. See I heard his feeding bag alarm, to say it was complete. We normally silenced it because it went off at 4 am. That night his nurse forgot. I didn’t jump up right away. Nope. I was annoyed. I wanted to lay there. I did for about 20 mins, it took me a while to get over the idea that those 20 mins could have kept him alive, so in trauma I began to pop up early daily. Now I have an internal alarm clock popping me up daily at 5/6am. I’m reading the 5am club now. I gotta get it to 5 on the dot. But that tragedy changed how I wake up, one end goal in sight.

I would always be late, even living life on repeat, because I was last minute, never prepared, always had something come up and would always be broke!

Waking up early allowed me time to pray, plan and prepare then I realized the biggest obstacle was not having the right partner. The proverbs 31 woman didn’t have to work in spite of the partner she complemented him. Welp with my end goal I knew change was coming soon.

In business I was good at what I was doing and was comfortable on repeat. My mentors and guides pushed me into the hardest years of my career, for growth. Now I am respected professionally, and my kids ain’t gotta worry about nothing. They tell me often (or after being scolded lol) that I’m a great mommy to have and that they love me.

We resist change because of the fear of the unknown.

I knew continuing this week on repeat wasn’t an option so I dove head first into my transition period.

It felt like the world around me was crumbling It was though.

It was being demolished so a new structure could rise.

It fell apart, so that this life i manifested could fall together.