Y’all I did the simplest thing today. I sent money for my kids book fair.

IT FELT AMAZING!!

We never know what memories we’ve hidden until it comes up again. I remembered my childhood yesterday. I remember the book fairs.

I’m a bookworm. I LOVED THE BOOK FAIRS, but I never got to buy ANYTHING. My mom didn’t have it all the time. No knock against her at all. My mom raised two independent, wise, ladylike grown women on her own. It was times my mom worked 3 jobs to make ends meet and she wouldn’t have extra for things like book fairs, no. However, I can’t remember not having food or shelter so she did her job.

What came up for me was those feelings of lack, not being good enough, feeling excluded and not like one of the cool kids.

I was bullied horribly in school. 4th and 5th grade the entire cohorts hated me because one person turned them all against me. My silly ass called this person my best friend too when we would get over the fall outs.

Even though she caused me great pain, when we were friends we had a great time together but most importantly she gave me access to feel included. When I was her friend we would stay at each others houses. My big sister and her big sister were friends too so we would get to go to the mall with them under the “take your little sister” act, y’all know black families. When we were outside of school we rocked heavy but when we got there I was back to being the chunky girl, who talked weird (Chicago accent), who dressed differently because my momma wasn’t buying no J’s, the girl who was poor because I never had money like the other kids, I was the outsider and she wasn’t compromising her popularity to be my friend.

It was the first relationship I chose that was abusive and that gave me less than I deserved. I knew i didn’t like it but regardless of how she treated me at school I knew we would end up together later. It’s the first relationship where I learned about my worth. Miseducated, yes, nevertheless it was my first lesson.

I felt worth- less, not worthless per say, simply worth less than her. She was everything I wasn’t. She was slim, had looser curls and longer hair, nicer clothes, they had a house while we simply had an apartment, SHE HAD A DAD, she had so much more than me that it made me feel like she was more than me.

To be able to find the moment that you began to recalibrate your own worth is ground breaking because you can go back there and redo the math.

As I have healed many broken parts already it’s still things that I hadn’t had to face to know it needed healing, shadow work didn’t even bring this up.

So let’s redo this math:

First off IM NO ONES SECRET. If you can’t love me publicly, ain’t no love!!!!

Secondly the chunk that I come with is me. And the coils too! Oh well! I’ve never had a flat stomach and never will but this ass I was insecure about seems like the hottest purchase these days. I remember Durell used to call me pull ups because my butt was so big, now these chicks buying botched booties that really look like soggy diapers. My coils are me! Even the way my locs formed is now a trend called butterfly locs and I cut off my first set because I still hadn’t embraced my differences or realized THEY CUTE! Hell the baby hairs I used to shave off are glued to head daily in black households everywhere, I guess they cute too.

As far as clothes I learned to stop watching fashion and developed a style of my own. Comfortable in my skin now I will rock a body suit or crop top in a heartbeat, and will rock that shit well!

I realize that two working parents can give a home life that one parent can’t BUT a home is a home based on love not the edifice.

I’ve come to peace with not having my biological dad and thank the Most High for sending me Uncle Will and GodDaddy Dennis and my Old Man(stepdad) that filled the void that father passing away left.

Now it all adds up to equal Self Love, Self Determination and a mission to give my boys what I didn’t have from the beginning: SELF WORTH!!!

And I got to send money to the book fair.