Lil Kim said “And I don’t think I’m ever gone drink no more, Back at the bar like…..
Fuck it, bartender you can give me one more”

Ha!

She knows what she was talking about there. I know I say it every-time I’m hung over up drinking pickle juice to make it better, yet there is a fully stocked bar in my home. As soon as I have a hard day, wanna vibe, my people come through, Me: Pour it up, Pour it up!

It’s not just drinking that this kind of thing happens with. In the queens song she talked about smoking them trees too but I’m talking about in life. We say we ain’t ever: talking to people, helping again, loaning no money, going over there, letting them smash, having babies going to that establishment, eating that, wearing that, spazzing on errbody. We make so many commitments to ourselves and break them.

But why?

Nah, for real. I’m asking for myself! i break promises to me and I hate when I do. I want to have the kind of discipline that lets me say no to me. Even when I like what I’m saying no to. I’m not as strong as I like to think I am in some areas. I swear certain problems won’t come back up again and I find myself pissed and disappointed at me when it happens. Then I learned about grace.

My cousin Krystal told me to talk to myself like someone I love a long time ago because she was tired of me being so hard on me. Grace tells me that growth is sometimes disguised as failure. Grace tells me that I’m human and certain no matter how spiritual and deep I am or I try to be my humanity needs things. Grace tells me being alive gives me another chance. Grace makes me acknowledge the growth so far and not let small set backs and/or regrets makes abort the mission. Get up. Dust off and try again.

It’s called healing for a reason. It’s progressive. It doesn’t stop once you reach some “peak” or overcome some obstacles. Tuh! In my Cardi B voice imma be healing “FahEvah”. It’s always going to be tests, trails, tribulations and temptations that will pull you back. Applying grace and most importantly TRYING AGAIN is how we get better.

So dont give up on you if you “messed up” and cussed somebody out, spent too much, smash someone you didn’t plan on, end up at that nail salon where they are rude or by from a store with a speckled reputation. It’s ok. We can have grace for ourselves, the journey isn’t over.

Healing, not healed.