There is this notion that as women we can’t have it all and those of us who do want it all hear it and call bullshit. We can have it all right? Love, life, career, children having a full life is possible, right?

It is, but pursuit of all it all at once has set some unrealistic standards for me and has run me a bit into the ground. Trying to be the perfect woman, perfect mother, perfect manager, perfect partner and perfect friend is way too much perfection to keep up with. And not being perfect feels like a failure, but I’m not failing, my bar set was just unrealistic.

Why isn’t good enough?

As women, black women specifically, we feel as if we have to be perfect and have no room to make mistakes. We have pressure on us from every angle, and the perfection we seek is a notch above what any other woman means when she said “have it all”. Another woman doesn’t have to bring 120% to be marked as ok, we need run at 150% to be perfect. Now just how in the hell do we expect to sustain? Anything you run nonstop and skip out on maintenance is going to breakdown and either need to be repaired or replaced. For a person that would mean taking ill or worse, death.

Tomorrow is the 7th anniversary of my granny transitioning to an ancestor. I feel like she’s been trying to get a message to me that I can slow down, just give 100%, but 100 total, not to everything. BUDGET! You only have so much to give. It’s been strong messages and coming through people and from different areas of my life. I figured i should take heed. I don’t want to check out too soon, my Granny was only 66. I don’t want to take ill. Like Granny I wanna be impactful but I can’t do it at the expense of myself.

I only have so much to pour out, and I can’t afford to “give it all” to everything, not all at once. My overdoing it was rationalized too. Not anymore. I’ve made some adjustments to my budget.

I worked (catch the past tense) 60+ hours a week. August 2022 shook up my career in a way I could have never foreseen. Our company restructured and my new role was extremely challenging. I put the extra time in thinking I had perfect this position. This August marks 10 years with my company, and I still was trying to prove myself by out hustling everyone else. I worked from home so my kids got me, too right? I was a single mom, I had to get money. And after a breakup, what else would I do, Beyoncé said best revenge was my paper.

With momming I would go the extra mile with crafts and “SuperFun Days” a hot meal ready by 6:30, walks after in the summer and a game of uno or dominos after in the winter. Tommy Turtle yoga before bedtime and after baths and then clean. I gotta be perfect, especially since I got stuck doing it alone, they needed space filled for two parents.

With my love and with friends I’m always there even when ion feel like it and don’t really have the extra anything to give. These are the people that show up for me so i owe them reciprocity right? I’ve had so many people leave I can’t not be there for those that don’t.

And I’m the lifecoach. I’m S.E.L.F.’s founder proverbs 31 woman I gotta get up at 5/6 everyday, do a load, take a spiritual bath, do yoga, send love, pray with my family and get kids off to school. And keep a Home and Garden home at all times. I’ve healed and I have to show order to prove it.

All of that shit daily was my version of perfect and dammit it’s too much!!! I can be authentically me and make a good life and not check every box daily. Work has a hard stop, the kids get cereal or sandwiches for a few meals, sometime I can decline and invite or turn my notifications off, and sometimes I may not get up early or through my routine.

I don’t need to have everything. Not all at once. I need to rest in that in AM everything. A human being not a human doing. Showing up like that was more rooted in insecurities than pursuit of perfection. Looking at it like that I realize that I don’t have to work so hard. My children are well, my career going great, Im happy with myself and I have real love support from those around me. Perfection ain’t got shit to do with it.

I already have it all.