DAY 1

Today I started a challenge, a self-love challenge. We picked a goal that we could stick to for the next 14 days, my goal will be blogging. I’ve said for so long that I was going to do this one day so, this is my day one!

I must share my journey, mainly for me but also to help others that may be struggling with the same issues I had (and in some cases still have). And like me, may be too prideful and/or ashamed to share.

Healing your heart is some deep shit! It’s not going to be surface cute stuff that is shared here. This will be my diary, MY WAY. This means I may cuss, at times even fuss, but most importantly I will be completely transparent throughout this process of healing my heart. And chile, it needs some healing. My heart has been broken every way it could be broken, my relationship with myself had been so damaged throughout my life. I’ve also been in a few toxic relationships, probably as a side effect of the flawed relationship with myself, that made matters worse. Now I stand before the mirror, REALLY examining myself and addressing the issues that plague my life.

I start with ME.

Starting with me, I took inventory of my life and highlighted some things that block me from loving myself. I thought it was surface things like carrying extra weight, not finishing college, having a baby out of wedlock, and then my marriage ending, not reaching certain goals or traveling enough; all that STUFF we point out to define our own success. It’s not. The first thing to tackle is my mind. I have so much B.S. imbedded into my head that must go! B.S. stands for Belief Systems.

For so long I believed that I was less than, although I hid it well.  I’m a DIVA by blood, so putting together a beautiful and confident woman to present to the world was second nature, but what was going on inside of me was completely different. My worth was so low that I would tolerate the intolerable. See I chronically compared myself to others and I never would let me come out on top. I’d tell myself: yes you are good but, you are beautiful but, you are smart but, you are a great mother/wife/insurance broker/friend/etc but…. There was always a “but” to minimize who I was because I was comparing myself, not examining myself which would have generated growth. My B.S. kept me from moving in the direction of true healing, but that Belief System is no longer welcomed in my world.  

I am incomparable! Uniquely created by the Creator to be ME! Not a version of myself that will be easier accepted, ME! I was cleaning up my sons’ chess pieces and something spoke to me and I must share it.  I learned that on the chess board there are many pieces that all have different roles and can move differently. There are eight pawns, two bishops, two knights, two rooks and only one king and one queen. There is really a message in that. The eight pawns aren’t alone, they belong to the crowd, so they are restricted the most in how they can move. The bishops, knights, and rooks have companions, they have a bit more freedom but there are still restrictions on the moves they can make. Now the King and Queen, we know they are partners however they are individuals and are free to move in whatever direction they choose to move in, because they are the only one like them.

Move freely Kings and Queens. Some are meant for the crowd, some of us just weren’t made for that. Embrace the position you play!

I leave you with words from Mother Erykah Badu:

Group Think

They play it safe

Are quick to assassinate what they do not understand

They move in packs

Ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another

They feel most comfortable in groups

Less guilt to swallow

They are us

This is what we have become

Afraid to respect the individual

A single person within a circumstance can move one to change

To love herself

To Evolve

Signing off,

Ms Raqi, A Healing Heart