I’ve always been honest about this being a healing journey, the growth is in the travel, not the destination. People seem to believe there is a point to get to where you are “healed” and then and only then do you have it.

Nah that’s not the case. Healing sometimes looks like I merely have identified my triggers, but not yet found a way to cope and not get bothered. Or maybe I just get bothered but I stopped crashing out over it. It may look like I’m not eating Oreos daily but imma still have a snicker once a week (cuz ya girl loves chocolate) and eat fruit whenever I crave sweets. It may look like bar hopping because I’m finally over my social anxiety and I’m not afraid to get out there and dance like nobody’s watching, and don’t give a damn if they are. It may look like ALWAYS wearing short shorts because you spent 25 years in pants in the summer time embarrassed by your own body and now you embrace it. It may look like having sex for fun because you used to see it as your only source of love. It may look like you’re helpless because you finally have people you can lean on to help. It may even look lazy at times because FINALLY you feel worthy of rest and aren’t working yourself into the ground to prove yourself.

Healing doesn’t have a picture perfect example. It really doesn’t.

It grinds my gears that so many try to define healing based on their paradigm, healed and whole will present differently for us all. I got told recently that I’m not healed and my choices came from trauma, not having a father, having a crazy upbringing and a failed marriage; while her intentions weren’t pure she had a point but the wrong one.

See not having a father made me codependent, that’s why I fought like hell to maintain my independence initially in my journey, now loving freely I can allow someone to help, I know what it is to attract and connect to the right people and I don’t have to hold on, I can cut people off who have bad intentions or don’t contribute to my wellness. I’m not broken if I’m alone, now I know this.

My upbringing tried to smother my individuality so I live OUT LOUD in my truth marching to the beat of my own drum because when I did try to make adjustments to be acceptable or liked they still didn’t call it enough. I still didn’t feel loved AND I couldn’t love myself because I wasn’t being true to myself. I hated the girl they designed, once I began to embrace me and all that I am I was able to see me for the first time. I’d always been taught to be humble and that pride is bad. Now I know dimming my light won’t help them accept my shine so it may be better to just blind them lol. I’m noble, I know exactly who I am, I walk like it, dress like it, move like it and even sleep like the Queen I am. And I don’t care who likes it! People pleasing is definitely a thing of the past.

My failed marriage helped me realize what love is and ain’t. Mutual affinity and respect is the basis of anything I get myself involved in. I used to seek a high from love, and I’d do so much to earn it. Not be able to focus on me, real man centered. And while I may enjoy having a man in my life, my life revolves around me. My children, work, friends, family all come AFTER ME. When I was married, to me, being a wife meant be a martyr for my family. Up first sleep last satisfying everyone in that household except me. Now I get rest, I pick days where I only focus on me and sometimes it’s OK for the kids to eat some damn cereal for dinner. As a wife I would have felt so guilty for focusing on me but now I have people that will tell me: rest, stay in bed for the day you may need it, I’ll do that for you, even people that will care for me if I get sick. After my marriage I learned how to put my cape down, I don’t have to be super woman, it’s ok to just be a woman, and I’m no less for it.

While, my healing may not present like someone else’s my scars, my pain, my traumatic past is no one else’s that’s why we can’t, as people, expect our healing to mirror anyone else’s. With the things that I faced in life most people wouldn’t even be on a healing journey. I got every reason to be somewhere in a ball crying all day every day, but I’m here healing my way on my terms fighting for my life. Before I started my journey, I didn’t know where it would take me, and I’m honestly surprised at how my healing has impact it so many of the relationships around me but I’m here understanding and honoring all that I am and all that this healing journey is, I hope more of us can realize how unique and individual this journey is. maybe we need to recalibrate what “good” looks like because “good” on a healing journey simply looks like getting better.

Love Y’all, Mean It

MsRaqi💜

The Healing Heart