I thought about texting an ex. I was sitting after cleaning and once again the thoughts crept up, triggered by a song, one lyric. “I want to be lovers and friends and mother his children” in Steady Love by India Airie. I thought about the last time I experienced that feeling.

See now. I’m apprehensive about knowing you’re kids or you knowing mine because I’m missing kids that will never be a part of my life again. I mothered my wasband’s children because they were mine too. But the ex, I mothered HIS children. They had no connection to me but I fed them, kept them safe, taught them things. I really enjoyed mothering all of our children and that’s done. It’s no fixing or bringing it back together it’s just grief. I love four children I can never hug again. I don’t have daughters, he gave me three to mother. The 9 year old at the time wanted to learn gardening, the teen cooked with me, the baby girl didn’t want to share her dad, it was a precious life. Just a short time I got to live it and I yearn for it still. I don’t hate my life, I just never got to slow down and realize that I still had love in me that now is missing a place to go.

I’ve been trying to figure it out. Like why with so much going on am I just down but it’s because I haven’t really dealt with all that I truly feel.

Now I’m here, all due to a lyric. I pray those kids are well. And I pray that this love in my heart gets repurposed. I’m glad this came up so that I could process it.

No I’ve got some work to do.

Still healing this here heart…

MsRaqi, the Healing Heart